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Korruption Ka Khatma: Revolution Is Coming!

Nadeem F. Paracha satirizes the inner workings of a ‘true urban middle-class, pious, iPhone, pizza, frantically tweeting’ Pakistani’s brain. 

One can now safely suggest that the days of the Nawaz Sharif and Asif Ali Zardari are over. The truly patriotic people of Pakistan seem to have had enough. These two have broken all records of korruption, bad governance, intrigues and bungee-jumping.

As Socrates once wrote: ‘If a record-breaking bungee-jumper is also a record-breaking korrupt person, then he is a record-breaking bungee-jumper who is a record-breaking korrupt person.’ Or something like that.

But who needs imperialistic Greek philosophers when we have our own.

For example, many of our own insightful and devout scholars have written numerous chapters on bungee-jumping. In his book, ‘Men are from Mars, Women do not Exist,’ famous 20th century scholar, Zaheeruddin Rumani (PhD, MBBS, LLB, LOL) is said to have predicted the ascent of an elected pious political party in a future pious republic.

Many historians say that Rumani was predicting the rise of PTI in Pakistan. The historians use the following quote from a book by Rumani to prove this.

Rumani wrote: ‘In the century to come, there shall rise a faithful republic in which elected (thus korrupt) regimes of wrongful mans and womans would openly claim, ‘Eye to eye, eye to eye, my eyes, your eyes, spectrum eyes …’ But then revolution will come in shape of handsome man who will be like ann-gel.’

Rumani in deep thought.

Rumani in deep thought.

Many other faithful scholars kept pleading in their voluminous writings, lectures and chants that we should carefully pay attention to Rumani’s works.

But it is our great misfortune that the low literacy rates among Pakistani voters, and, more so, the fact that hardly any one of them ever bothers to take a shower, has left us with millions of illiterate and unclean people voting for korrupt record-breaking bungee-jumpers.

That’s why some gallant men have had to step in on numerous occasions to save Pakistan from becoming a putrid den of korruption and an unblessed land where women go to Aurat marches. And some even dance. Or worse, crack jokes.

The men are thus forced to look at such women. This puts all kinds of unclean thoughts in their otherwise unsoiled heads.

A recent aurat march: They put all kinds of unclean thoughts in men’s heads.

A recent aurat march: They put all kinds of unclean thoughts in men’s heads.

But not all civilian politicians have been bad. Some where once good. Remember ZA Bhutto when he was good?

‘We will eat grass if we have to build our own bum,’ he once said while having a pepper steak.

But then he became bad and korrupt and had to be hanged. Steaks tend to have that effect.

Bad has to go. So he went. Even though some believe he cut a secret deal with Mard-e-Momin Madrd-e-Haq Zia-ul-Haq Zia-ul-Haq, who had mercifully toppled his regime.

The presumed deal supposedly saw Mard-e-Momin Mard-e-Haq Zia-ul-Haq Zia-ul-Haq allow Bhutto to fly out to Guatemala and live the rest of his life eating grass. For the sake of the bum.

Well, even though Mard-e-Momin Mard-e-Haq Zia-ul-Haq Zia-ul-Haq continued to ask Pakistanis to eat grass, he did it in a much wiser manner.

Once, in 1982, when asked by a Western (Freemason) reporter why he had executed Bhutto if grass was again to become the staple food for all common Pakistanis, Mard-e-Momin Mard-e-Haq Zia-ul-Haq Zia-ul-Haq replied that the grass Bhutto was offering was not being grown according to the dictates of our faith.

‘You see,’ explained Zia, ‘Pakistan was created by the great diplomat, swordsman and horse breeder, Ubaid Yamani, an officer in Bin Qasim’s forces that invaded Sindh in the 8th century. Yamani wanted Pakistan to become a truly pious place.’

‘But that doesn’t answer my question,’ the foolish reporter had interrupted; ‘wasn’t the country created by Muhammad Ali Jinnah?’

‘No,’ Zia had replied, ‘Jinnah created Pakistan – not Bakistan. I hope you understand the difference.’

Zia was a crafty cat.

Ubaid Yamani: The original founder of Pakistan.

Ubaid Yamani: The original founder of Pakistan.

Almost 20 years after Bhutto’s hanging, something even better happened: Local scientists, led by an enthusiastic fan of North Korean opera, Dr. Kim Q. Khan, finally managed to make the nuclear device that Bhutto and then Mard-e-Momin Mard-e-Haq Zia-ul-Haq Zia-ul-Haq had worked so hard for. But it was Nawaz who got to explode it.

The rise of Ram Raj in India in the late 1990s, and, subsequently, of the Bharatiya Janta Party, saw India conduct five nuclear explosions to alleviate poverty and make India shine from the brilliant glow of the beautiful mushroom cloud. Nawaz responded in kind.

But Nawaz was unable to alleviate poverty, unlike the father of the Indian bum, Dr Parkash Joti (PhD, MBBS, MA, BCom, ROFL). When told about the rising number of poor people in India, Dr Parkash solved the problem with just a single potent statement: ‘Let them eat atom!’

Alleviating poverty: India shining.

Alleviating poverty: India shining.

Father of the Indian bum, the brilliant Dr Parkash Joti.

Father of the Indian bum, the brilliant Dr Parkash Joti.

But let’s not get distracted here by talking about India. And anyway, India already achieved its anti-korruption revolution in 2014 when (after eating atoms) its illiterate masses saw the light and did the right thing by electing a genuine savior, Narendra Modi — a passionate and charismatic anti-korruption avatar of the sacred spirit, Amrish Puri.

Unfortunately, we just can’t expect such a thing to happen in Pakistan. We know that our korrupt democratic system and illiterate people will continue to elect korrupt men like Nawaz and Zardari. Or will they?

These leaders need to be overthrown by a fervent in-swinging anti-korruption government which will hit them right in front of the stumps, leaving the umpire no other choice but to give them out, LBW. And that regime is now here!

( *¨*•♫ Jab aye ka Imran, baney gi jaan, baney ga naya Pakistan …*¨*•♫ )

You see, Nawaz Sharif, before being misguided by Indian films, was once an honorable and loyal servant of the wardens of the faith of the pious republic of the emirates of democratic welfare state of Pakistan. But the fool lost his way.

Anyway, now coming back to the dangers being faced by the society from women marchers. Such women are trained by civil society terrorists, who are on the payroll of the Judo-Christian textile companies, who are on the payroll of Elvis who is still alive and was last seen on the plains of Panama with bagsful of dollars, pounds, riyals and rupees. And yet we remain quiet?

Don’t we know how major issues like women marchers are retarding our evolution and promoting moral and economic korruption?

Once we get rid of this problem, our economy will drastically pick up; there will be peace and harmony; crime and drug addiction will be eradicated; there will be plenty of food, and jobs (only for males, of course); and there will be an abundance of good wives who will cook delectable food for their husbands. Pakistan will once and for all become the true bastion of faith.

Still alive: Elvis performing at a secret concert in Panama for korrupt men and women, including Zardari and Nawaz.

Still alive: Elvis performing at a secret concert in Panama for korrupt men and women, including Zardari and Nawaz.

Nawaz after his name appeared in the Panama Papers.

Nawaz after his name appeared in the Panama Papers.

Pakistan was teeming with korruption when Khan arrived. Many had dismissed this claim as farce. But not Imran Khan (aka Cat Stevens). It is people like him who are the future of the pious republic of the emirates of democratic welfare state of Pakistan Scandinavia Arabia.

So this time let’s not let evil forces destroy our ways and dreams like they did in Afghanistan when they toppled the truly just, morally upright and manly emirates of the Teletubbies.

Khan: Still fit.

Khan: Still fit.

Another thing promoting korruption, is the military operation against so-called extremists.

Can’t the apologists of the military operation in Pakistan against so-called extremists see that it is turning young men into angry revenge-seeking rebels? It is a lie saying that the so-called extremists have killed over 50,000 Pakistanis. It’s a lie because the number is not 50,000, but 49,997.

Let’s not waste time about trivial issues such as the economy and terrorism. Let’s all join the groundbreaking struggle of true democrats against korrupt bungee-jumpers. Let’s make Pakistan a true urban middle-class, pious, iPhone, pizza, frantically tweeting republic of democratic emirates of welfare state of Arabia Sacndanavia.

Let’s save Pakistan. With Twitter.


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