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Featured Satire

Musings Of An Alarmed Woman

A woman is one of the most ingeniously aggressive creation from the God above. We are mothers, daughters, sisters – found in almost all capacities and we are the horse you should always bet on.

Women are hard working. Period. Regardless of our colour, shape or curves, we strive to outdo Men and 0.000005% actually succeed in the holy task. It doesn’t matter if our biological clocks go haywire in this very Herculean attempt – we will prevail and in hindsight send creepy gazes full of longing to our fellow school era sweethearts and their trio of triplets. We will say “We achieved what we set out to do”.

We are all for equality and for that very reason, our next best friend is the African American sitting beside our cubicle. Women are usually next to the minority tab in any application, so it never hurts to befriend another. Minorities do own a certain number of privileges hence a collective crowd of minorities is easier to propel towards a particular goal. (Take that white America!)

Women love to talk. We are your next Gossip Girl; your Queen bee, a busy body for sure and a Muckraker. We are your strongest pillar of belief but bless the saints if you are on the rival squad then some really scary cat claws come out in the open. It starts by making fun of the appearances; followed by jeering, some cheerleader eye rolls and finally social out casting. Almost all of us strike with the caustic blade of verbalism.

Women, when it comes to planning or taking revenge, are worse than Lucifer himself. The amount of pettiness that crawls out of the darkest recesses of a female mind is unequivocally horrific. Nevertheless, it’s wondrous to behold the diabolical workings of a female mind and the various ways it takes to accomplish its tasks.

In our never-ending quest for finding that equivocal ground with the MEN of the world; we will stand hand in hand with our fellow women specimen and do anything and everything to drag the other species name through the mud. Our battle cries will resonate through the cold nights and we will spend yet another year slaving away in the cubicles just to prove the “Equation of Equality”.

Then December approaches; which signals the start of festivities. We warily eye our horde and inwardly lament at the loss of a comrade who had just been proposed to. While that lady prances about like Rudolph; we silently cry and then resolve to carry on despite our dwindling numbers. For sure; each woman dreams of a cute little family and an equally stable white picket fence – the problem surfaces when our prepubescent ideals clash with the older sober version of us, smacked in the head pretty bluntly if you ask me. People all around remind us, quite frankly, like an old broken record, the need for speed and try to kindle a haste in our steps towards the goal of matrimony. If we do not comply then during the ascent to our notoriety, our reproductive systems will “Shut down” and we will most definitely be branded spinsters and avoided like the plague.

Hushed whispers will follow and we will be pushed aside like the lone cigarette chucking dames of some high society sorority. We might become the famous “cat lady “of the Simpsons or spend our days being a “destiny’s child” – all free to shape our way –loathed, nonetheless.  Who knows where the tide takes us then but we are happy because we went on to find the silver lining in Equality.

This is no way a joking matter of sorts. It has become a society’s norm to make fun of women who pursue study and career over a married life that may or may not end in a quick divorce. They are targeted because they decide to leave the predefined circle and branch out. Nothing is sadder than finding a woman trapped in her “happily married life”. A proper balance is needed for the sanity of an everyday woman. She needs to understand that the health of her household depends on her but the society needs to realize that without a healthy mind, a woman will either become a low-esteemed bunch of melancholy or will be mutinous to a fault. I pray we reach a consensus soon.

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