Coffee with a Social Justice Warrior …

Coffee with a Social Justice Warrior …
I want tea. Pakistani brand.

SJW: Are you ordering tea or nationalitea?

That was lame.

So what’s wrong in being lame? Lame people have rights too.

Lame as in being puny, or lame as in a person who is unable to walk?

People like that are not called lame anymore.

Then what are they called?

Physically impaired folk.

Lame, physically impaired, what’s the difference? They can’t walk.

Oh, so therefore they should to be ostracized?

I never said that. And I wasn’t even talking about lameness in that context. I just thought your remark was lame.



So what’s wrong in being puny?

Nothing. Puny is puny.

Ah, the tyranny of language and words.

Excuse me?

Language and words constructed to assert control and exercise oppression.

I am oppressing you by using the word, ‘puny?’

That is your subconscious intent. To use words that help white privileged males to assert control over non-white people.

But I am brown.

So what’s wrong in being brown?


Oh, so being brown amounts to nothing?



Aha, what?


How the heck am I a racist?

You ordered tea.


Why not black coffee?

I don’t like coffee, black or otherwise.

Especially black, right?

No. And anyway, I don’t add milk in my tea.

So you like it black?


But if you look closely, black tea is not really black, but kind of dark brown.


So now you are culturally appropriating tea according to your privileged racist white toxic masculine socio-political biases.

But I’m not white!

Yes, but you are male.

So are you!

But you are privileged.

So are you!

Is that all you have to say?

I just want to have my tea, you skewed nut!  

Aha. Hate speech.

Fine. Now can I have my tea in peace?

Peace? Do you think there is peace in Balochistan?



What has Balochistan got to do with me wanting to have my tea?

Answer the question. Do you think there is now peace in Balochistan?

No. Not really. Things still seem to be pretty bad there.

Pretty or bad?

Excuse me?

Why did you add the word ‘pretty’ in front of bad?

Well …

There you are again, using words to project false information. By saying ‘pretty bad,’ you are actually alluding that things are pretty good there but some areas are bad.

What utter nonsense.

Hate speech!

How can you assume …

‘Pretty.’ That’s such a sexist word to say.

Well, depends in what context it is being said. I mean, even if I call a female, ‘pretty’, I …



Binary descriptions are oppressive!

But you just called me a privileged male.

Freedom of speech.

Then where’s my freedom of speech?

How can an oppressor and apologist of the status quo ask this?

How the heck am I an oppressor? Who am I oppressing?

The Pashtuns.

What? How?

Stop assuming my ethnicity, you oppressive Punjabi male!

But you are one too! A Punjabi male.

Did you just assume my gender?

Your, what?

My gender.

So you are not a Punjabi male?

There are no males or females. These are outdated binary stereotypes. There are others too.

Fine. Please enlighten me.

Aha. Hate speech and binary sexist white Punjabi privileged male ethno-racism masked by sarcasm. Lame.

Oh, I see, you can use the word ‘lame,’ but I can’t.

I can because I am morally, ethnically and genderly sound.


Yes, it’s now a word. It was used by Edward Said in his book Orientalism.  

No, it wasn’t.

Have you even read his book?


But you don’t like him.

I think his thesis eventually produced people …

… people like me.



You are brown like me. You are Pakistani like me. You are Punjabi like me, even though I am Mohajir from my mother’s side …

More labels. Systematic multi-binary colonial ethno-nationalist oppressive wordplay.


Yes, that’s a word now. Darrida used it in his book, Madness & Civilization.

No, he didn’t. And Madness & Civilization was by Foucault. Look at you, getting confused by your own diviners. And anyway, Darrida was a convoluted drunk! But, look at you. 

Look at me?


That’s body-shaming.


You think I am unhealthily weighted.

You mean, fat?

Unhealthily weighted, you insensitive person.

I believe you are … errm … rather healthily weighted.

Meaning what?

Meaning, normal.

What is normal? Or abnormal? Binary notions.

Yes, to oppress.

Ah, sarcasm again. But my body does repulse you, doesn’t it?

I am NOT interested in your body at all.


What? You’re not gay!

Are you assuming my sexual orientation!

God, no!



Now you would want me to take off my hijab, right?

But you don’t wear one. You are a man!

Did you just assume my gender?

Yes, I did.

How dare you? You would want all Muslim women to take off their hijabs, won’t you? Hijablessness equals to progress, doesn’t it?

Your girlfriend doesn’t wear one!

That’s her choice.

YOU don’t wear one.

That’s my choice.

That’s not a choice.


You really are nuts.

Nuts as in chestnuts or nuts as in testi …

Stop. Waiter. Check, please. Pay your share.

I can’t.

Why not?

Because I just cancelled you, you privileged patriarchal homophobic, Islamophobic capitalist pig!  

How is this not hate speech?

Because you called me, a nut. But nut as in …

Okay, stop. I’ll pay.
Lead Writer

Nadeem Farooq Paracha is a Pakistani journalist, author and cultural critic.