By: Nadeem F. Paracha
(Disclaimer: This is a satire and should be taken as such)
A Pakistani and an Indian walked into a bar. The bar was in New York City. Both the gentlemen were successful surgeons, settled in the United States. As they took their seats and ordered some beers, one of the TV screens at the bar was running snippets of the speeches made at this year’s UN General Assembly session.
As the surgeons settled down to enjoy their lagers, highlights of the speech made by the Indian foreign minister came on the TV screen in front of them.
‘India produced scholars, doctors, engineers. What has Pakistan produced? It has produced terrorists,’ said the minister.
The Pakistani surgeon raised an eyebrow: ‘Is she suggesting I am an Indian?’
The Indian surgeon just shrugged his shoulders: ‘No. As a Pakistani surgeon, you are an exception.’
‘Really?’ said the Pakistani. ‘Shall we order something to eat?’
‘Sure,’ said his Indian counterpart.
The waitress arrived: ‘Anything to eat, gentlemen?’
‘Yes,’ said the Pakistani. ‘I’ll have your classic, double patty beef burger.’
The Indian raised an eyebrow: ‘Beef burger? I thought you avoided having beef?’
‘I’m making an exception today,’ the Pakistani replied, sarcastically.
Source: https://zainyjee.wordpress.com/category/india-pakistan/
‘Hmm,’ the Indian nodded. Then turning towards the waitress, he said: ‘And I’ll have the pork chops. Medium-rare.’
‘Pork chops?’ Asked the Pakistani. ‘I thought you found pigs filthy?’
‘Making an exception today for my exceptional Pakistani friend,’ the Indian replied.
The Pakistani shook his head and snickered: ‘You know, this lady foreign minister of yours came to see me last year.’
‘Oh, she did?’
‘Yes. She was in New York on sick leave. Her secretary ended up getting her an appointment with one of the city’s best surgeons. Me.’ The Pakistani smiled.
‘That’s nice to know,’ the Indian replied.
‘But she didn’t even know my name when she came over,’ the Pakistani said. ‘Right away she told me how glad she was to see such good Indian doctors in America. And when I told her I was actually Pakistani she went all pale in the face.’
‘Really?’ The Indian was surprised. ‘Why?’
‘She demanded to see an Indian doctor. She said that she could not trust a Pakistani doctor due to the nature of her ailment,’ the Pakistani explained.
‘What was her ailment?’ asked the Indian.
‘Hemorrhoids,’ the Pakistani replied.
‘Ah,’ said the Indian. ‘Her secretary made a mistake then. He should have gotten her an appointment with an Indian doctor. You must understand the insult she would have felt being examined for hemorrhoids by a Pakistani.’
The Pakistani thought awhile, ‘I guess you are right. I mean, a Pakistani suffering from such an ailment would also feel insulted being probed by an Indian.’
The Indian smiled and nodded: ‘You are very understanding for a Pakistani. Another exception.’
This slightly angered the Pakistani: ‘Hey, what’s your beef with Pakistanis?’
‘My beef?’ The Indian replied. ‘What’s your pork with Indians?’
‘What the heck was that?’ The Pakistani responded. ‘What’s my pork? That’s such a silly statement. I thought you Indians spoke better English than us.’
‘We do,’ the Indian responded.
A cartoon by Beena Sarwar & Kunda Dixit for Himal Magazine (1998)
‘Oh, of course,’ said the Pakistani. Then gingerly wobbling his head left to right, he said: ‘You are like this only, no?’
‘That’s so racist,’ the Indian protested.
The Pakistani pointed at the TV screen on which Pakistan’s UN Representative was speaking about Muslim and dalit lynchings in India and waving a photo of a young Kashmiri girl whose face had been scarred by pellets: ‘If I am racist, what do you call that? The epitome of tolerance?’
The Indian stared intensely at the screen: ‘Wait a minute. I’ve seen that photo. That’s not a Kashmiri girl. That’s a Palestinian woman!’
‘Well,’ said the Pakistani, sounding a tad embarrassed. ‘She’s a girl isn’t she?’
‘So?’
‘So … are you sure that’s a Palestinian girl?”
‘Of course, I’m sure. I saw that photograph in a UK newspaper a few months ago. Are you guys for real?’ The Indian snickered.
‘But this doesn’t change the fact that you lynch Muslims and dalits and shoot pellets at Kashmiris!’ The Pakistani retaliated.
‘Really?’ The Indian shot back. ‘What about what you do to Christians, Hindus and Ahmadis?’
‘Oh, so that’s why your people have started lynching dalits and Muslims?’ The Pakistani replied. ‘The s0-called great democracy which gives scholars, doctors and engineers to the world now wants to become exactly like Pakistan?’
‘We only lynch those who offend our religious or nationalist sentiments,’ the Indian responded.
‘Hey, what a coincidence,’ said the Pakistani. ‘That’s exactly what we do as well. Welcome to the club, oh great Indian gift to the world.’
‘You produce terrorists, that’s all!’ the Indian bellowed.
‘And you produce rapists, carnivorous yogis and men who go around in shorts lynching people!’ The Pakistani shot back.
‘Racist!’
‘Fascist!”
A cartoon from Japan Times website
As they were bickering an Afro-American interrupted them: ‘Excuse me, guys, the bar is full. And I can see this empty chair on your table. Can I sit here until I can find a chair of my own?’
The Pakistani and the Indian looked at each other. ‘Errr … I’m really sorry, sir’ said the Indian, ‘but we are waiting for someone.’
‘Yes …’ the Pakistani added. ‘Waiting for someone.’
‘Oh,’ said the Afro-American. ‘Okay, then. Sorry to bother you guys. Bye.’
‘These lazy bums, always looking for freebies,’ said the Indian.
‘True,’ the Pakistani agreed. ‘Who knows, he might have ended up mugging us.’
‘Indeed. I think their race is genetically flawed,’ The India added.
As both were discussing the Afro-American, they were interrupted by a huge white guy: ‘Is this chair free?’
‘Of course, please to be seated,’ said the Indian, smiling widely.
‘Yes, sit, sit,’ The Pakistani added.
‘Thank you,’ said the white guy sitting down. ‘So, you guys tourists?”
‘No, we are both Americans. Doctors,’ said the Indian.
The big white guy looked at both of them intensely: ‘Mexican?’
‘No,’ said the Indian, ‘I am Indian and he is terrorist, hehe…’
‘Actually,’ the Pakistani replied, ‘I am Pakistani and he is a lyncher. ’
The white guy wasn’t amused. He remained straight-faced: ‘Why did you guys come here?’
‘Here, to the bar?’ Asked the Indian.
‘To America,’ said the white guy.
‘Well,’ said the Indian, ‘to serve humanity. I am a doctor, y’know. And …’
‘… and there is no place for humanity in India,’ the Pakistani laughed.
‘Yes, right,’ said the Indian. Then pointing towards the white guy, he said, ‘even he knows how humane Pakistanis are. Terrorists, all!’
‘What about you?’ The white guy asked the Pakistani.
‘I’ll be honest,’ the Pakistani replied. ‘I moved here to make more money than I ever could in Pakistan.’
‘Our money, you mean. Of the Americans.’ The white guy said, still straight-faced. ‘There are too many of you here now.’
‘Oh?’ The Indian replied. ‘I’m sure the Red Indians said the same thing about you guys when you came here, no?’
‘They were savages!’ said the white guy, in an agitated tone. ‘God wanted us here to civilize and cultivate this great land. And anyway, my ancestors were Polish. They came here long after that French guy, Columbus did.’
‘He was Spanish,’ the Pakistani corrected the white guy.
‘What?’
‘Columbus was Spanish.’ Said the Pakistani.
‘Spanish, French, Italian … doesn’t matter,’ the American explained. ‘As long as they are WHITE!’
Via Stanford.edu
‘Actually,’ said the Indian, ‘thousands of years ago, my people were fair-skinned Aryans. We built air planes, cars, engines, even flying saucers until we were invaded by Muslim barbarians and we lost our civilization and our fair complexion…’
‘Really?’ The Pakistani interrupted. ‘We civilized you. We were geniuses. Even today our scientists are deriving electricity from jinns and measuring the speed of heaven. Heck, we could even pass a camel through a needle’s eye!’
‘Are you guys done?’ The white guy asked. ‘You both doctors, aren’t you?
‘Yes,’ said the Pakistani.
‘Well, I need an appointment.’
‘We’ll be honored to serve a fellow American,’ the Pakistani said.
‘Indeed,’ the Indian agreed. ‘We too hate the blacks …’
‘And the Jews …’ the Pakistani added.
‘And the gays …’ The Indian said.
‘And I even voted for Mr. Trump!’ The Pakistani announced. ‘What do you want the appointment for?’
‘Well,’ said the white guy, ‘being an American with this condition I am suffering these days, I’d rather the Indian doctor saw me.’
‘Oh,’ said the Pakistani, disappointed. ‘What’s the condition?’
‘Hemorrhoids.’
A cartoon from Subversify
Note: This is a satirical take on the recent war of words between the two hostile neighbours.