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An Important Message To The Ummah By PM Khan.

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This is a piece of satire.

Dear fellow Muslims, especially those toiling in non-Muslim countries. How are you? When I began to play cricket, I was just a young impressionable fellow toiling in the UK. I didn’t know much about my country or faith, as much as I do now, which is a lot.

For example, I didn’t know that Pakistan came into being in 712 AD when the gallant Arab warrior, Muhammad Bin Qasim invaded Sindh. How many of you know this? Not many, I’m sure. You see, that’s why I am here. To tell you the real history of our great nation. Some people say, I only quote things from a standard Pakistan Studies textbook. Maybe so, but people forget. That’s why I am here. To remind them.

Dear fellow Muslims, when I used to play cricket, I saw how so many of our players were impressed by white people. So I once asked my good friend, Lord Baltimore of Sussex County, ‘Hey, Balt, what is wrong with us brownies?’ And do you know what he said? He said, ‘Imran, you are white.’ Can you imagine this display of blatant colonialism? I mean, how could he just call me white and not the other players of the team? Actually, I knew why. This was because they were so brown! And I was not so brown. I admired his honesty. He was a great chap, ol’ Lordy.

You see, white folks learned everything from us. Some people ridicule this notion, but I was once told this by another British friend, Sir Walter Wood of Essex. He said, ‘Immy, we learned everything from you guys.’ By you guys he meant brownies like us.

That filled me up with so much pride, even though I am not that brown. I said, ‘Walty, you have to tell this to my fellow Muslims.’ And he did. But do you know how some of our players responded? They said something crude in Punjabi which Walty actually understood. So he replied by saying something crude in German which I did not understand but gave him a mouthful.

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I said, Walty, this is not on; to which he said that this is what he had learned from us guys. I said did he mean physics, chemistry, astronomy? He said no, and then repeated what the players had said to him in Punjabi. So I gave a mouthful to the players and told them this is why we are still brown and they are still white. This impressed Walty a lot and he promised to visit Pakistan.

Dear friends, as you can see, I have been busy fighting your cause longer than you think. Today, as PM, I tell my people, forget about inflation, terrorism and crime. The biggest issue facing us is Islamophobia. In Germany, Denmark, Norway, Sweden, Iceland, Guatemala, Honduras, Belarus, everywhere. We have to fight it. And I will lead that fight because there is no Islamophobia in Pakistan.

Indeed, this is because we are a Muslim-majority country, but when I used to play cricket, I used to bowl really fast. One might ask, what has that got to do with what is being discussed here? Of course, those people, in Pakistan, who disagree with me will ask such questions. But have they ever thought about their fellow Muslims toiling in non-Muslim countries? But then they say, what about the Muslims of China? To them I want to say, China is in Asia and I am talking about Islamophobia in European countries.

But, okay, let’s talk about China too. What proof is there that China treats its Muslims badly? Fact is, it is China’s Muslims who treat China badly. Just like some of my players treated Walty badly. Now does it make sense?

Dear friends, I feel for you and what you have to go through as Muslims in European countries: mob attacks and lynchings, blasts in your places of worship, accusations of being infidels and traitors. Yes, I can’t fully feel your pain because nothing of the sort happens in Pakistan. It used to, though, when I wasn’t PM. But not anymore. And when it does happen, it is done not by us, but our enemies. People like Nawaz Sharif and Bilawal Bhutto, and Ian Botham. My Tiger Force will sort them out.

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I want to warn you, the whole world is conspiring against us. Specifically me. They want to destroy us. Especially me. But I will fight them like Churchill fought the Germans, and Hitler fought the British, and the Japs fought the US and the US fought the Italians along the border between Korea and Finland slightly east of Egypt and a little to the north of South Africa. We shall prevail.

When I used to play cricket and won the 1992 Cricket World Cup, I used to tell my players, daiken team, aap koh nahi pata. Sirf mujehy pata hai. And some would ask, how is that possible? To them I used to say, if you buy some hens, you can get your own eggs and greatly cut down on daily expenses. This inspired them, and despite the fact that they were brown, they went on to beat a white team in the final and promised to one day make me the PM of Great Britain. That day is not far behind. One day, I will be PM of Britain, selected by important white people who will adopt our system of hybrid democracy and unite the ummah like Ertugrul did hundreds of years ago.

This is my destiny, people. Mine, for me, I, myself, for you to me to I. Always remember. I. I will fight for you in England, Belgium, France, Denmark, Sweden … I alone. Because I used to play cricket.

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