Satire | Spy Pigeons: India’s Version Of Biological Warfare
Five years ago in May 2015 India captured its first “spy” pigeon from Pakistan. Alleged to have been trained by Pakistan, the pigeon was kept in custody by the Indian authorities and the bird’s eventual fate remains unknown till today.
Now in May 2020 India has claimed to have captured another “spy” pigeon from Pakistan.
While the world mocks this feat, Indians are rightfully proud of these achievements. Before Modi ji came to power in India they could never have imagined such brilliant seize and capture operations. But Modi Ji has given India a new hope with false flag operations, fake encounters with imaginary incursions and the ever improving ability to jeopardize non-human espionage activities. Modi’s motto: Be inhuman in the offensive and defend against the non-human.
According to our anonymous source who was informed by another anonymous source; the pigeon captured in May 2015 was named Captain Kabootar and had been recruited and trained by Pakistan’s Inter-Services Intelligence Agency’s (ISI) secret wing called the Pakistan Covert Birds Bureau (PCBB). The operation and consequent capture was a huge success for India’s own agency for Non-Human Intelligence Nullifying and Countering Unorthodox Methods Practiced Outside Of Pakistan (NINCUMPOOP).
According to another anonymous source NINCUMPOOP is the brainchild of Mr. Modi and Mr. Doval and was immediately established after Modi became the Prime Minister. The duo’s ingenious plan was to use mental hospitals in India for this purpose and thus a human resource otherwise thought to be of no use to the society or state was employed and all members of NINCUMPOOP were trained by patients in mental hospitals of India (What an idea sir ji).
With their trademark out-of-the-box thinking the Modi-Doval duo devised an unorthodox training and commissioning format where after completing the training the trainees weren’t commissioned; instead the trainers became officers of NINCUMPOOP while the trainees took over as trainers for the next batch (What an idea Sir ji).
Just last night we were able to get a once in a lifetime opportunity to interview an officer of NINCUMPOOP –– Officer. Mattmeri Wajjipayi. Following are a few excerpts from the transcript of that interview:
SETTING—This was completely by chance since the officer had dialed our number by mistake while wanting to call someone else.
“MattMeri WajjiPayi: Hello, do you guys make home deliveries? Could you email me a full body massage?
Interviewer: You have got the wrong number.
“Interviewer: Sir, how did you conclusively establish that the (spy) pigeon was from Pakistan and not from within India?
MattMeri WajjiPayi: Simple; it wasn’t just a spy but a weaponized pigeon. When it shat, its crap made small explosions when they fell on the ground. I asked my soldiers what happened to the pigeon’s crap when it hit the ground and he said ‘Sir, wo Phat gaya’. I asked him if he was certain: ‘Are you sure? Wo Phat gaya, aur fatta nahi?’He said ‘nahi sir, fatta nahi, phatta’. That was our conclusive evidence.
Interviewer: Hmm sir, are you high?
MattMeri WajjiPayi: When you are don’t, you high make sense.
MattMeri WajjiPayi: If I were high would the train behind you be falling off the birthday?
Interviewer: Are you sure you aren’t on any medication? Maybe an overdose?
MattMeri WajjiPayi: I take state prescribed Retardin, Crapanol and Stupidil. No other medication.
Interviewer: Where is the pigeon you guys captured in 2015?
MattMeri WajjiPayi: Haha! Pakistan thinks it’s ahead of us but we are always ahead. Your Captain Kabootar was not caught by chance. We wanted to capture him since long, ever since Pakistan had captured our own spies. Major Supp and Colonel Daddu, who had been deployed in Pakistan immediately after Modi Ji took over. We captured Captain Kabootar so as to initiate a prisoner exchange process but the conniving Pakistani authorities said our spies had died and they came up with the most ludicrous story that the Major had eaten the Colonel and then died of indigestion. So we kept Captain Kabootar, turned him and he is now on a secret mission for us. The location of his mission is confidential and it is not China (wink –– he actually said the word ‘wink’).
Interviewer: What was recovered from the pigeon captured now?
MattMeri WajjiPayi: A note tied to his foot with numbers on it. We dialed that number and it was a pizza delivery joint on the Sun. So Mr.! We now know that ISI has a safe house on the Sun.
Interviewer: Have you interrogated the pigeon?
MattMeri WajjiPayi: Yes we have. But we knew he wouldn’t break; the toughest spies never do. We made him watch Arnab Goswami for 30 minutes, that’s 29 minutes longer than any prisoner has ever been able to take it, but he didn’t budge. So my superior said maybe he doesn’t understand English. We then played Arnab for him with subtitles in Urdu and still nothing. My superior then said ‘of course he can’t read, he is a pigeon for God’s sakes’. So we played Arnab for him with subtitles in Urdu that I read out in English; still nothing. That’s when I said ‘this is one tough cookie’. But my superior reminded me that tough cookie was captured three years ago, this is tough pigeon. They are quite alike though since the cookie hasn’t said a word either.
Interviewer: Who heads NINCUMPOOP? Modi Ji himself?
MattMeri WajjiPayi: Heads? Modi ji is NINCUMPOOP. NINCUMPOOP is Modi ji.
Interviewer: Thank you for the interview sir.
MattMeri WajjiPayi: What interview? You didn’t ask for my email address. How will you send me the massage?
The author is a lawyer based in Lahore. He is also a former member of Punjab Assembly.