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Citizen Voices Politics Satire

Mallika Elizabeth: Controversially Yours

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August 2030
Constitutional Head of England Queen Elizabeth II resigned minutes before MI6 Chief confirmed to her that a resolution is going to be presented in British parliament calling for her disgraceful abdication. Queen Elizabeth was eager to force the head of MI6, who was a strict Catholic Christian to swear on Bible, Quran, Gita and Gospel of Doubt (Holy Book of Agnosticism) just to confirm that they are not tricking or misleading her as they tricked & misled Tony Blair on Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. In the end, she furiously resigned. She abused each and every member of the British Royal family, the British Parliament and most importantly Scotland.

Prince Charles was taking bath when his secretary communications Kristina Kyriacou informed him that her mother resigned. The Prince of Wales became so excited that he immediately jumped out of his bathtub and started screaming “Eureka Eureka Istifa Eureka Istifa” and danced for 5 straight hours on a Bollywood item number “maujan he maujan shaam saveray hun maujan he maujan”.

Elizabeth was finding solace in Ataullah Esakhelvi’s sad number “Allah Changiyan Kresi”. Ataullah lives in East London nowadays and is an elected British MP. The Prince, inspired by South Asian politics started a “Go Amma Go” campaign back in 2015 against his own mother Elizabeth who was sticking to the crown like a magnet.

Charles’ struggle became immensely popular in Scotland and in East London for two obvious reasons. One they all hated her. Second they all hated her.

In response to Charles’ political activities Elizabeth on the advice of her political secretary started a “Gandi Aulad” campaign which became somewhat popular in West London and the Royal Household but after some time failed miserably for two reasons: one, it was a Desi term, and second, it was a Desi term. It was a wild political mistake on Queen’s part.

 

June 2031

One fine morning Elizabeth with her loaded team of lawyers stormed off and filed a petition in the Crown Court claiming that when she signed her resignation she was inebriated so her resignation must be considered invalid. She also claimed that her booze supplies mainly came from Scotland and Ireland,and they conspired against her. The British Government read the pulse. In a cabinet meeting the PM stated that a retired Queen is too much of a political burden to carry. The Cabinet decided to request all Commonwealth countries for any one of them to make Elizabeth Queen again.

No country other than Pakistan showed up on Mother Britain’s call. The Foreign Ministry of Pakistan through a press briefing agreed to adopt and reinstate the Queen. After a series of talks Pakistan became ready to make amendments in their constitution for a mere 500 million pounds sterling. Later that year, a Joint Session of the Pakistani Parliament amended the Constitution, making Elizabeth Queen and Constitutional Head of Pakistan. Britain took a sigh of relief. Following that amendment a rumour became widespread on Pakistani social media claiming Elizabeth embraced Islam and her Islamic name is Rakshanda. Addressing that rumour, Zaid Hamid on Geo TV claimed that Elizabeth embraced Islam years ago and this was the reason behind her forced resignation. Elizabeth, now Rakshanda, lives in the Shahi Qila at Lahore. Her lifestyle completely changed. She now gets high on bhang instead of expensive wine and takes drinks ‘payron wali’ lassi to invoke sleep instead of Lexotanil.

 

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May 2040

A severe economic crisis jolted Pakistan again. In a strategic partners’ meeting between US diplomats and Pakistani sifarishis, the United States of America agreed to help Pakistan out in exchange for Queen Elizabeth aka Rakshanda – who they required for some research on human life extension. The 114-year-old Queen Elizabeth was a perfect specimen for such research. The Pakistani Parliament unanimously passed a resolution to lease out the Queen for a period of 10 years to the United States. Britain instantly terminated all diplomatic ties with Pakistan stating that their former Queen’s British accent will be a constant subject of mockery in America. The Secretary Information Pakistan in a question answer session held in Serena Islamabad stated that Britain’s apprehensions are absurd and are based on a lack of information. He clarified that Elizabeth’s ten-year stay in Lahore wiped off her British accent. She is now more fluent in Punjabi than the Lahori bourgeoisie. The Secretary Information also stated that it will not be wrong to assert that Punjabi is now the Queen’s first language as she addresses the Shahi Darbar in ‘thare’ (pure) Punjabi.


June 2050

The 10-year lease agreement was exhausted in May 2050. Pakistan demanded the return of the 124-year-old Queen. But later Pakistan backed off from that demand when the Foreign Office briefed the civil and military leadership that during an investigation carried out by the CIA, the Queen admitted that The Kohinoor diamond on her crown was not stolen but she herself sold that beauty in Suhay Bazaar Lahore to bail out her Charitable Jihadi Organization which was going through tough times mainly due to the economic meltdown in Saudi Arabia. Washington in an attempt to restore diplomatic ties with 10 Downing Street offered to return Elizabeth. Britain welcomed America’s goodwill gesture. Elizabeth who outlived all royals in Britain was welcomed back with a constitutional amendment making her Queen again.

 

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This is a piece of satire. The writer is a political activist and a research analyst based in Lahore.

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