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Citizen Voices Satire

I Am A Very Special Pakistani

Hi, I am a Pakistani and I am very special. Pakistan is very special too, you see. I have been told my country is the most special country in the world and people who live here are also very special.

Look, I am special because I have been told so. I have been told this is the land of “paak” people. This land holds a special place in the hearts of all Muslims and even in the spiritual world, Pakistan is considered special and by effect, I, like all Pakistanis, am special and I will not hear anything against it.

Now that we are clear on how very special I am, there are a few things that have been bugging me. I would like these thoughts to go away because all they give me is a headache and heartburn for which I use milk and 7up. I am confused. Not much but just a little. Most of the confusion stems from my eyes and a little from my brain. Oh how I hate my brain and anything it says, pesky little bugger.

When I look around me, I see things that question this special status of mine. There is just so much wrong going on around me. There are poor people that live and die on roads. There are families that live their lives in brick kilns as bonded labour.

Speaking of brick kilns, I once saw a Christian couple burned alive in a brick kiln over blasphemy accusations.

I can’t actually say why but that happened, so there’s that. I see kids, younger than mine, asking for alms on the roads. I am told they are parts of gangs, but honestly, I don’t know how a toddler who can’t even speak properly yet, joins a gang and becomes a mafioso.

Maybe there is some rot which ensures these these kids are exploited and used, but my mind can’t accept that considering how special we are. There are also reports of young kids being sexually exploited and then killed but this must be some foreign agenda because how can a paak person ever do something like this? Right?

I once heard of a man in Lahore sexually exploit and then kill more than 100 people by dissolving them in acid. I remember  that people wanted him to be hanged in Minar-e-Pakitan. Ironic, I think.

Our national icon of freedom used as a ‘phaansi ghaat’, but fitting too, I think. Talking of what people want, I remember two boys were killed in Sialkot by normal people, people like me and you, on account of them stealing something.

I said ‘normal people’ but I don’t know how normal a person is when he can lynch a person on the road but then who is normal? Not me, I am special, not normal. But these things happen around the world and we can brush them under the carpet by reminding ourselves we are the “qilla” of Islam. But then I remember APS massacre….these things don’t happen anywhere else, breaks my heart into a million little pieces. 124 kids… massacred.

 

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But there’s something else, too. Something deeper. I don’t like to read Shakespeare, he uses too many big words, but a wise man, who was definitely an agent of RAW/Mossad/CIA/you get the drift, quote shakespeare. He said, “Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.” but he meant my Paak country and not Denmark I think. I hate that guy. But it stuck with me. So now, let me try to explain.

We are a democracy, or we are supposed to be but sometimes I don’t feel like we really are. In fact, sometimes I think we should not be a democracy. Very intelligent and very patriotic people I see on TV and countless accounts on Twitter and Facebook tell me how much democracy has hurt us.

They tell me how the politicians have eaten up our country, specifically the heads of PML N and PPP. I am taking names now, because it’s safe.

After all, what can politicians do? These intelligent people really hate Nawaz Sharif and Zardari. Everybody knows they are corrupt then why is it so hard to prove it?

They hate them so much, It reminds me of the normal people who lynched those two boys in Sialkot. But apart from the hate, there is a general or General disdain for democracy. I don’t understand it because Quaid-e-Azam said we are a democracy and he… well.. he made this country but these intelligent people know better. They hate a lot of things but they ignore a lot of other things.

 

They hate Malala. I liked her but now I am convinced she was a mole within the system that was meant to destabilize Pak sar zameen. They gave her a Nobel or something and what has she done? She stood up to the Taliban and didn’t back down in the face of death but can she do a dharna against Nawaz Sharif? Naaahhh, I didn’t think so. So she is bad and dharna is good!

They hate Raza Rumi, he was also shot by the Taliban. It’s strange though, no? Taliban are the enemy, right? And he was their enemy so he should be our friend but I don’t know why they still hate him. He hasn’t even won a Nobel, but they are more intelligent than me.

And talking of Taliban, we hate them right? Like what’s the line nowadays? Are they misguided brother or blood-thirsty animals? They used to be good, or tolerated at one point. But not anymore?

Then why is their spokesperson taken as a guest? They did kill 70,000 of us. 70,000, their families must remember them.

And red caps, they have ruffled some feathers. These Pakhtuns from these places most of us can’t even name? Are they even Pakistani? Are we sure they aren’t Afghan or Indian agents? I mean they can’t be Indians, they aren’t black and don’t defecate in the open(everybody in India does that, I’ve been educated about it).

But they can be Afghans, no? All these Pashtuns look the same anyway. We must check their ID cards, or check if they have been circumcised. I was told most Talibans were not, the Pakistani ones, mind you. The Afghan Taliban are our brothers even though we did… right, so brain told me not to talk about this.

 

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And where is Musharaf? You remember him with his cigars and him pumping fists in the air while lawyers were killed in Karachi? What did they expect? You mess with the bull, you get the horns. Musharaf was so awesome, showed those karachi lawyers the power of the state against its own people so well. (Remember Kargil, though? Shut up brain). Musharaf was so cool. How I long for those days when I had no facade of democracy to think about and everything was clear and we knew who the Boss was and who to run to in case we needed a sifarish.

And have you seen my new PM? Oh, he’s so handsome with those tracksuits and so simple with those torn clothes and that 300 kanal beautiful rusty small home in the mountains? And he’s so religious, he even prayed on stage once, remember? They do post a lot of pictures of him praying, though, gets kind of repetitive but that’s how these things are.

I mean, I look around him and I see all these usual suspects being his ministers and most of them are really good people according to the intelligent people.

But Imran’s so handsome and won the world cup so we got nothing to worry about.

And do you even remember MQM? Indian agents. Good that we’re rid of them. But there’s this small thing of our commando Musharaf being in government with them and we know Musharaf’s a patriot but I don’t know if he knew that Altaf Hussain was a killer or an agent. Also, some idiots say that MQM was supported by some very intelligent people. I am amazed how MQM became an Indian proxy under the watchful eyes of these intelligent people but you know how these things are, right? One can’t be intelligent all the time.

So you see, there’s a lot I don’t get or understand. I just wish I were more intelligent like these intelligent people who constantly tell us what to say and what to think. Maybe we are special, but I am not so sure anymore.

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