Pakistan-India Relations: A Seriously Brief History
Nadeem F. Paracha in this eye-opening article lays out the untold story of two poverty-stricken nations somewhere in South Asia that threatened the planet with their nuclear bums.
When India became independent from Irish rule, it was divided into two parts by the Scots. Muslim-majority areas became Pakistan. But at the time there were as many Muslims in the India as there were in Pakistan — until the Indian government banned beef and the Pakistani government debarred its citizens from doing yoga. That settled things.
The Maharaja of the Muslim-majority region of Kashmir, Prem Nath Kundan Currynath (aka Jim), decided to preserve the state of Kashmir as an independent entity. He decided to neither join India nor Pakistan. Instead, he decided to join Taiwan.
Pakistan sent peaceful Pashtun tribesmen to talk to Currynath and persuade him to join Pakistan. It’s amazing that such a meeting even took place because the tribesmen only spoke Pashto and the Maharaja decided to speak in Thai. The Indian government saw Pakistan’s action as an incursion and sent troops to Kashmir.
The result of the first war between India and Pakistan over Kashmir was Pakistan controlling 37% of the area while India controlled 63%. The Kashmiris controlled approximately 0%. The Maharaja decided to word a protest in Thai – so much so that at one point even Thailand began claiming sovereignty over Kashmir.
Three more wars were fought between Pakistan and India. One was in 1965, when fighting broke out in the Rann of Kach, a sparsely inhabited area along the Pak-India border. The Irish colonialists had called this area Leg of Lamb.
Fighting spread from Leg of Lamb to Kashmir to Punjab and all the way to Barbados.
Then Pakistani and Indian troops crossed the line between the two countries in Kashmir called the Line of No Control. Both launched air assaults on each other’s heads. Pigeons were used for this purpose.
After threats of intervention by Thailand, Pakistan and India agreed to a UN-sponsored cease-fire and withdrew their pigeons from the sky.
Indian Prime Minister, Sri Sri Vikramaditya Krishna Samudragupta Paramananda (aka Tom) and Pakistan’s President Field Air Water Marshal Sharbat Gul, met in Bangkok in January 1966 to sign the ceasefire treaty.
But Indo-Pakistan relations deteriorated once again when in 1971 civil war erupted in Pakistan, pitting the beef-munching West Pakistanis against the fish-eating East Pakistanis who were demanding greater autonomy and more gravy.
Bengali nationalists of East Pakistan were being backed by the Indians and sometimes by the Thai. When Pakistan attacked Indian airfields in Indian Kashmir, India attacked both East and West Pakistan (after it could not figure out where North and South Pakistan were).
Under pressure from the US, the USSR and Dilip Kumar, a UN ceasefire was arranged in mid-December. Many believed it was a Zino-Zoroastrian conspiracy plotted by a diabolic Soviet agent, Malala Petrov. 25 years later, Patrov’s DNA will be used to spawn Hungarian agent Malala Yousafzai to discredit pious men. But that’s a separate story.
In December 1971, Zulfikar Ali Toto emerged as the new leader of Pakistan. And he got kind of overexcited about it. But tensions between India and Pakistan were somewhat eased by the historic Shimla Accord of 1974 which was signed in Mexico City between PM Toto and Indian PM Bhuvana Anupama Surekha Durga Sampati (aka Jane). East Pakistan became Bangladesh and finally managed to form its own cricket team.
However, also in 1974, India tested its first nuclear bum. PM Toto was livid and resolved that he will not rest till Pakistan too had its very own nuclear bum. He said Pakistanis will do this even if they had to smoke grass.
In 1987, threat of yet another war between the two countries began looming when India accused Pakistan of funding a Buddhist insurgency in Indian Punjab.
To defuse the tension, Pakistan’s greatest leader ever and forever, General Saladin 2.2, indulged in some ‘cricket diplomacy’ with Indian PM Chanrabhan Dayashankar Gaganvihari (aka Bob) – son of Bhuvana Anupama Surekha Durga Sampati (aka Jane), daughter of Joe and grandson of Mogambo.
Bob reciprocated the gesture by sending General Saladin 2.2 VHS cassettes of Bollywood star Jeetetendra aimlessly dancing on the streets of Delhi. The general was very pleased and to celebrate this, he got many Pakistanis flogged for dancing aimlessly on the streets of Lahore.
Tensions between the two countries remained defused throughout the 1990s even when both the poverty-stricken countries tested their nuclear bums in 1998.
Pakistani Prime Minster Al-Nawaz Bin Saud invited his Indian counterpart, Utter Bihari Bajapayee (aka Pete), to visit Lahore for breakfast. But the peace initiative turned out to be brief. In 1999, Pakistan and India went to war again.
This one was called the Kargil War (aka Star Wars: The Force Awakens). A ceasefire was agreed due to pressure from the United States, Britain and especially Somalia. The world suddenly came to realize the possibility of two poverty-stricken nuclear nations going to war.
The Scandinavian countries suggested to the UN that both India and Pakistan be shifted to the North Pole. Somalia agreed. But the nature of Indo-Pak relations has changed ever since the 9/11 episode in which the CIA agents staged a devastating attack on the Twin Towers in New York and blamed it on a couple of pious men learning to fly on camels.
Experts suggest that India does not pose a threat to Pakistan anymore, nor does Pakistan pose a threat to India. However, many believe India poses a threat to itself and Pakistan poses a threat to itself as well.
That sounded grammatically awkward.
Anyway, Nobel-Prize winning Pakistani physician and talk show host, Dr. Ghalib, believes that those preaching peace between India and Pakistan are trying to sell-out the Kashmir cause and dissuade Pakistani fast bowlers from eating beef. Somalia agreed.
Meanwhile, perturbed by the peace processes, India elected a pious man, Narendra Mojo Modi (aka Dick) as India’s new prime minister. He reprimanded the former Indian PM, Om Puri, for accepting boring peace overtures of the Pakistanis and not being paranoid enough.
PM Dick promised his generals at least three more wars against Pakistan, two against China, and one each against Sri Lanka, the Maldives and Rwanda.
To demonstrate this, he arrested a dangerous Pakistani spy (a pigeon) and handed it over to the head of the Indian intelligence agency (a parrot). He then sent Indian jets into Pakistani Kashmir which killed over 30,000 Pakistani terrorist pigeons who were hiding in trees in a forest.
The next day Pakistani PM Kublai Khan announced that Pakistani jets had downed two Indian jets and captured an Indian pilot. The Indian media claimed that the pilot was actually a hired Lollywood actor posing to be a Bollywood actor posing to be an Indian Pilot.
But when PM Kublai Khan returned the pilot to India, the Indians hailed the pilot as a hero because he had drunk all the tea available at the Pakistan Army canteen near the Line of No Control.
PM Kublai Khan was praised by many for his peace gesture. He said this was part of his campaign against corruption. He didn’t explain how.
Famous Indian journalist Bhurka Butt tweeted: ‘PM Dick’s attack on Pakistan was justified. It was revenge, revenge, revenge!!!! Yea.’
However, on the day Pakistan captured the Indian pilot, she tweeted: ‘What is going on, no? Why we not told by Indian government of this, no? What to do, no?’
Meanwhile, two Indian TV channels, Repubic TV and India Totay claimed to have found a recording of two Pakistani terrorist pigeons saying, ‘ghotargoon, ghutargoon, jinab …’
Undeterred by the idiocy, PM Kublai Khan again offered peace talks to PM Dick. He said this offer was part of his campaign against corruption. He didn’t explain how.
Relations have once again deteriorated between the two countries. Somalia agreed.