9 freedoms guaranteed by the State of Pakistan
In recent days, a lot has been said about Pakistan turning into a police state and not tolerating dissent by criminalizing it. As usual, the Mossad-Raw liberal groups on our airwaves are actively working to discredit the state, so to rebut the malicious propaganda being unleashed against this glorious country and the most glorious regime, here are 9 freedoms guaranteed by the state of Pakistan
- Freedom to malign Phuppos
Everyone has a phuppo, some of us are blessed with phuppos who throw a hissy fit with the baraat ready to depart; most thankfully have sane ones that just leverage political moves within the family to make lives of female compatriots living hell. But the best bit about phuppos is the phuppo jokes. Even folks blessed with the gentlest souls for phuppo enjoy a hearty laugh every time a joke is made at the expense of phuppos. While our orthodox eastern culture mandates that we respect our elders under any circumstances the state has been liberal and tolerant enough to not criminalize phuppo jokes. For that we are eternally grateful.
- Freedom to come up with IKnomic facts
From Provincial Information Minister Chohan alleging $1000 billion are annually laundered out of Pakistan to Federal Information Minister Fawad Chaudhry alleging former Punjab CM of wasting ‘Aik lakh dus hazaar crore ruppee’ (Rs. 1,100,000,000,000 / 1100 Billion rupees) anyone can get away with absolutely any crazy Mr Bajaj-esque figure alleging corruption nepotism or any other heinous crime cuz hey this is Naya Pakistan and Mein Fuhrer made it clear that our job is to allege and the accused must provide proof of his innocence.
- Freedom to Meme
While most view Pakistan as a fundamentalist intolerant society, the meme scene totally nullifies the idea of this glorious land being intolerant. Ask Zameer Naqvi sb who is the rage on the internet these days thanks to the dank memes he’s been featuring in. These memes have spared none, taking on religious clergy, politicians and the hidden hand of the state. Rumour has it that some folks would love to see meme sharing criminalized but one can only hope sanity prevails and memes continue to provide us with quality entertainment.
- Freedom to produce umpteen saas bahu serials
If aliens invade and capture Pakistan and study our drama serials before making a move, I bet they’d turn up as match makers and marriage counselors since that seems to be the only issue plaguing the country. Ironically enough, our population continues to explode uncontrollably while the burning topic of prime time entertainment is matchmaking and matrimony. So proud are we of this glorious tradition that if any show dares to break this tradition with unorthodox storylines like Sammi, Udaari or Kitni Girhein Baqi, it promptly comes under the radar of PEMRA and is made to toe the line instead of being allowed to expose us to immoral concepts such as rape, child abuse or prostitution. Absolutely preposterous to think that such a thing could happen in Pakistan.
- Freedom to mock religious beliefs
While the law of the land criminalizes religious hate speech under 295 A & B, the state has been pretty liberal and has helped promote freedom of expression. From calling a shia kafir or demolishing Ahmedi worship places, freedom of religious expression is a norm. Making fun of non-Muslim religious personalities and deities is considered completely acceptable and is commonplace, while the majority of the population jokingly refers and mocks the incident, a certain Station House Officer in Jhang booked a group of lawyers for blasphemy when they chanted slogans against his high handed tactics (he was named after one of the four rightly guided caliphs).
- Freedom to poke our nose in others affairs
Considered as national hobby of sorts, we pride in the fact that we’re simply incapable of minding our own business. Ask any middle aged uncle in the neighborhood, he will promptly narrate how he caught the girl next door commuting to work with a charming young man oblivious to the fact that she’s an adult and doesn’t need the neighborhood’s approval who she chooses to commute with, however the same uncle would be dumbfounded if confronted on the substance abuse problem of his son which forced him to try his luck at street crime to fund the leisure some substance.
- Freedom to judge piety and character
While the day of judgment is supposed to be the day we face reckoning for our deeds in this world, Pakistanis have taken the task to endlessly judge anyone and everyone who doesn’t conform to their norm of morality. This freedom is used arbitrarily and with greater vigor if the subject is female. This has sparked off scientific research that has helped conclude that tobacco smoking damages male lungs while for females it is extremely harmful for their character. Based on this research a renowned university in the northern Punjab garrison city announced designated smoking areas for males while none for females to preserve and uphold their character.
- Freedom to do every job but ours
From jurists collecting alms for water reservoirs to spokesperson of defense forces giving seminars on their role in the development, our state is pretty open to people following their dreams. Since most children end up pursuing careers for their parents’ aspirations and a lot of latent dreams are pent up throughout the career, our state takes a sympathetic view for such folks allowing them to fulfill their dreams. While a tea vendor may continue to serve up the most atrocious tea even after being in the profession for over 20 years, he’ll still critique Asad Umer’s economic policy and tell you what has been wrong with Aamer’s bowling. At times it may require subverting the constitution but as the greatest jurist of our times has said, law cannot be allowed to prevent the course of justice.
- Freedom to call every game we lose ‘fixed’
Mercurial is a term synonymous with Pakistan cricket team, Green shirts often ending up heisting unlikely victories from positions everyone had written them off from, but often when the situation reverses and boys end up stuffing a game that should’ve been a walk in the park, allegations of match-fixing are thrown out even by people who have represented the country at the highest level. Peak Pakistani ‘fixophobia’ was reached in 2010 when in the aftermath of the spot-fixing scandal Umer Gul bowled Pakistan home to an unlikely victory in a one day game, then chairman PCB Ijaz Butt decided to accuse ECB and English team. Perhaps the traumatic history of this glorious country is what has prompted the state to allow people to believe in conspiracy theories without bothering to debunk them, a luxury not afforded in most modern states today.
Hence one may conclude, while we may have a muzzled media imposing self-censorship to appease the state, the state isn’t all draconian and offers some innovative and unique freedoms that most don’t enjoy around the world in this day and age.
The writer is often found loitering at twitter and wishes to unite Punjabs for Sonam Bajwa.