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Election special: Just in!

By Nadeem Farooq Paracha

Banned Sri Lankan outfit and America’s Klu Klux Klan to field candidates in Pakistan’s election
Islamabad: The Election Commission of Pakistan (ECP) has confirmed that it will be allowing some members of the banned Sri Lankan militant group, the Tamil Tigers, and America’s white supremacist outfit, the Klu Klux Klan, to take part in this year’s general election in Pakistan.
The country’s Caretaker Interior Ministry also confirmed the news. According to a statement released by the ministry, ‘democracy is all about exhibiting tolerance and assuring the participation of all kinds of people and parties.’ The statement however added: ‘All kinds expect the kinds we don’t likes.’
Robert K. Muller, a senior member of the Klu Klux Klan, who is in Pakistan these days, told reporters: ‘I am thrilled to be here and see the unfolding of real democracy in which there is no prejudice against parties and groups who have prejudices against other parties and groups.’
His words were echoed in the sentiments of a Tamil Tiger militant currently campaigning for a NA seat in Lahore. Murlipran Jaganathan, the Tamil militant who escaped from Sri Lanka some years ago, told reporters: ‘I was delighted when my request to contest in this election was immediately accepted by the interior ministry and the ECP.’
He also told reporters that the courts in Pakistan have declared both Muller and him to be 62 and 63 according to the constitution — even though Muller admitted calling Jaganathan a nigger and Jaganathan admitted that he was planning to blow up Muller.
Both Muller and Jaganathan have been given the election symbol of washing machine.

Jaganathan and Muller at an election rally in Jhang. ‘This election is perfectly safe for nice guys like us,’ they said.


International election-watch organization declares Pakistan election to be completely free and fair.

Islamabad: An international election transparency organization based out of Islamabad — called the International Election Transparency Organization Based Out of Islamabad (IETOBI) — has declared that the July 25 election in Pakistan were the freest and fairest in the whole wide world.
This was declared in a detailed report prepared by IETOBI.
However, some observers did ask how could a report declare an election to be free and fair a week before the actual election.
To this the spokesperson tweeted: ‘IETOBI is a very perceptive organization. We also have a way of peeking into the future.’
In another tweet the spokeman added: ‘Time travel is not a myth. One can travel forward in time. Those who believe in jinns would understand.’

The IETOBI spokesperson

This tweet clinched it for IETOBI. The report and this particular tweet were shared by over a million people.
Elated, the IETOBI spokesperson tweeted: ‘Those who questioned the report obviously lack faith. They are also quite clearly working for foreign lobbies — especially those who don’t believe that electrical energy extracted from jinns can help one to travel forward in time and see the future. #PositiveEnergy #DilDilPakistan’
Another international election transparency organization — called Another International Election Transparency Organization (AIETO) — endorsed the report.
Based out of Sialkot, its statement in this context, however, was not available anymore because Twitter delated AIETO’s Twitter handle after deeming it to be a fake account run by one Mushtaq Ghani.
Exhibiting his disappointment, the IETOBI spokesperson tweeted: ‘Quite clearly, Twitter has no faith in jinns. #TwitterJinnKa’


A court declares that approximately 10 million voters in Pakistan are not Sadiq and Amin

Lahore: In a landmark decision, a court in Pakistan has declared that approximately 10 million voters in the country were not Sadiq and Amin.
Last week a petition was submitted by the candidates of various political parties asking the court that the scope of articles 62 and 63 in the constitution be expanded beyond political candidates and include the voters who too needed to be Sadiq and Amin.
After some deliberations, the court ruled that indeed voters too need to be 62 and 63, whereas at the moment there were some 10 million of them who were 64 and 65, or worse, 70 and 71.
The court did not explain exactly how it came to this conclusion but promised that it would explain this in a detailed judgement once the CJP completes the dam he is busy building.
10 million Pakistanis will thus not be eligible to vote. The court said the number can greatly increase in the final judgement.
However, the court added that a voter can either become 62 or 63 (or both) depending on how much donation he or she is willing to contribute to CJP’s dam fund. Not celebrating the Valentine’s Day too can help.


Political party declares victory after beating up a donkey

Karachi: Passionate supporters of a national political party declared they were ready to win the coming election and then bring peace to the region after conquering Afghanistan, Iran, India and parts of China and Haiti. They announced this after badly beating up a hapless donkey.
When confronted by some animals’ rights groups, the supporters insisted that they, like their party’s leader, loved animals, especially well-bred dogs. However, they insisted that donkeys were not animals. They also added that donkeys were the source of corruption in the animal kingdom.
Reacting to the beating, a renowned psychologist warned that one of the symptoms of homicidal psychosis — which often produces lynching mobs and serial killers — was torturing animals for pleasure.
Responding to the psychologist’s warning, one of the supporters said that Pakistan needed homicidal psychotics to get rid of ‘corrupt political mafias’, ‘lifafa journalists’ and ‘women who do not stay at home.’ He asked, what more can be worse than this?
When our reporter tried to contact the supporter again he was told by the supporter’s family that he was not at home. When asked where he could be found, the relative said: “He’s at the hospital recovering from a broken nose and jaw. He was kicked in the face by a donkey. This is the height of corruption,” he lamented.


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