Interview with Zaid Hamid
Editor’s Note: It’s a piece of satire and purely work of fiction, no matter how real it sounds.
ND: Dear readers, today a celebrated scholar and one of the most potent voices on the national and international scenes, Zaid Hamid is finally with us. We will ask him about the prospects of upcoming general elections.
ND: Good evening sir. Winds of elections are finally blowing. Please tell our readers what do you think about them?
Zaid Hamid: (shouting) Elections? Criminality is on the move. Schemers, hustlers, swindlers, tricksters, looters and wheeler-dealers are coming to destroy this country. Beware of them. Hell with these general…..
ND (interrupting): Please sir, PEMRA is frantically on the chase, we need to talk with due reverence about gene…..
Zaid Hamid: (interrupting) I was to say general elections. Damned elections. No need to vote. Haven’t you seen my recent tweet? I will be brutally harsh to all political parties. These jackasses have NO clue what is going on in the world. What are the threats to Pakistan? What is destiny of Pakistan?
ND: Sir, all national leadership is taking part in these elections. They know very well what is, and should be the destiny of Pakistan? And people will have to decide.
Zaid Hamid: No, they have least idea. People know nothing. They favor the most stupid people of the country.
ND: They also favor you.
Zaid Hamid: That is a sweeping sign of their wisdom. They are the most God gifted people of the world. The entire universe is made for them. They will establish their dominance on the whole universe one day.
ND: A moment ago, you were saying that people are foolish.
Zaid Hamid: If they defeat all the evil forces, they will not be foolish.
ND: It means they will have first to conquer the entire world. And how will they do so?
Zaid Hamid: Under pious leadership. Valliant men will raise the banner; gallants will trample down the earth.
ND: Oh, no grain will grow then. What will they eat?
Zaid Hamid: I don’t like cheekiness. No impudence.
ND: OK. Come back to elections. Which party is going to win and what should it do to strengthen Pakistan?
Zaid Hamid: (Shaking head) These politicians will devastate the country. Bhutto and Majeeb destroyed the country.
ND: Sir, if people don’t vote, who will rule the country? Who will manage the affairs of the state? Who will supervise the institutions in the best interests of the people?
Zaid Hamid: Pious, honest, holy and chaste people.
ND: And how will these wise people be chosen.
Zaid Hamid: There will be no choice. Haven’t you heard my speeches? Pakistan is no ordinary country. It is a special gift of Allah. I will tell you the meanings of the word ‘Pakistan’.
ND: We know. Everyone knows, but it doesn’t alter the fact that we are a poor and backward country. Corruption is our marked feature. We have no rain and water.
Zahid Hamid: That’s why I ask you to reject these politicians. They have downed the country. Lack of rain is a conspiracy of infidels.
ND: It means that the meanings of the word ‘Pakistan’ and it being a supposed gift of God have nothing to do with ground realities?
Zaid Hamid: Alas, you don’t know what destiny Allah has written for Pakistan. These parties and their silly leadership stand on the wrong side of the history. They have no idea what is coming toward us.
ND: Sir, one, July is coming, and the other, general elections are coming. What further should we look forward to? (under tone… a book may also be coming)
Zaid Hamid: It is saucy irreverence. I have told you that elections can’t determine noble people.
ND: Then how they will be chosen? Who can determine them?
Zaid Hamid: They are seen from a distance.
ND: Yes, but when they come near, they are not the same. We have seen many a noble face.
Zaid Hamid: It is misfortune of this nation.
ND: To have seen piety as you say?
Zaid Hamid: Again cheekiness. This nation will not be schooled.
ND: You have said that we are a special gift of God and we are the most talented nation of the world and we are destined to conquer the entire world…. Sorry, entire universe.
Zaid Hamid: I won’t stay long. You are wasting my time. I had a serious message for the nation.
ND: Throw it sir. We have good readership. In all European states and America we are read and followed.
Zaid Hamid: Ok, but if you have any local readership, tell them they should prepare themselves for a long war. Enemies are on us. We have no time to waste for elections. Prepare your horses and….
ND: Sir, I have only 70 cc bike but it neighs when it doesn’t start.
Zaid Hamid: Shut up (and he leaves on his car… made in Japan)