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The Ultimate Pakistan-India Survey

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By: Nadeem F. Paracha
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Below are the findings of one of the most intensive and widespread surveys conducted in India and Pakistan about the contemporary political and social mind-set of both the countries’ polities. The survey was conducted by one of the world’s leading research and survey groups, Gallop.
 
The Results (Pakistan)
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73% of Pakistanis want Honda and Suzuki to also start assembling camels.
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A prototype Suzuki camel being test-driven.

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84% of Pakistanis want the United Nations to take action against Santa Clause for wearing a false beard (and thus insulting the sentiments of millions of Pakistani men).
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Santa in trouble.

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69% of Pakistanis want the portrait of Muhammad Bin Qasim in all government offices; and the portrait of his horse in the national assembly.
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95% of Pakistanis believe corruption is the biggest issue in Pakistan, even though 93% of these took a bribe to answer this survey.
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99% Sunni Pakistanis think 88% Shia Pakistanis are on the wrong path; 87% Shia Pakistanis think Sunni Pakistanis are on the wrong path; 77% Sunni-Deobandi Pakistanis think 89% of Sunni-Barelvi Pakistanis are on the wrong path; 89% of Sunni-Barelvi Pakistanis think Sunni-Deobandi Pakistanis are on the wrong path; 67% Twelver-Shia Pakistanis think 51% of Fiver-Shia Pakistanis are on the wrong path; 53% Fiver-Shia Pakistanis think 62% of Twelver-Shia Pakistanis are on the wrong path; 98% Deobandi, Barlevi, Twelver and Fiver Pakistanis think Ahmadies are blocking their path and should be constitutionally declared as inanimate boulders caused by a landslide.
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69% Pakistanis say Arab sheikhs are right to wipe out Pakistan’s houbara bustard population because the name of the birds sounds like a very bad English word.
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‘Say what?’

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94% Pakistanis hate the US; 72% of these couldn’t get a US visa.
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70% Pakistanis want colas to be banned because they looked like whisky. 60% say water too should be banned because it looks like vodka. They believe they can survive without water by chewing palm tree leaves as long as they are chewed fresh and their juice is not allowed to ferment.
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31% Pakistanis believe Malala is an American stooge; 21% believe she is an Indian agent; 22% believe she is an Israeli spy; 20% believe she is on the payroll of an international liberal conspiracy group; 5% believe she’s a witch; 2% believe she’s a true Pakistani heroine. However, 99% believe that these 2% are American stooges, Indian agents, Israeli spies and witches and wizards working for an international liberal conspiracy group.
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Results (India)
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79% Indians believe Mahatma Gandhi would have made a great software engineer, or at least a very soft-spoken call-centre-guy.
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83% Indians think China poses the greatest threat to India, followed by Pakistan and bouncy South African pitches.
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95% of Indians believe Virat Kohli is a deity who uses MRF Tires, drinks Pepsi and loves Parle-G baby biscuits.
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77% Indians believe Pakistanis want all of Kashmir because it’s a great filming location.
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99% Indians believe that 92% of all pigeons, 72% of all hens, 63% of all ducks and 53% of all crows in India are Pakistani spies.
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95% of Indians believe that the RAW agent in Eik Tha Tigar is out to destroy the spy pigeons who are threatening Hindustan ki param-para.
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87% Indians believe that ancient Indians built the first rocket, plane, car, and vacuum-cleaner thousands of years ago. They also believe that these (especially the vacuum-cleaners) were piloted by specially trained astronauts all the way to Jupiter and back.
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An ancient Indian astronaut.

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100% Indians and Pakistanis believe the following is what former Pakistani PM Nawaz and Indian PM Modi spoke about when they met at the 2015 Paris Climate Summit …
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