Editor’s note: This satire piece has been written by Nadeem Farooq Paracha, reflecting the kind of terrorists’ apologists that we all encounter on social media and otherwise on almost daily basis. The characters are entirely fictional, yet, you know, not that fictional. Enjoy!
This was what I posted on my Facebook wall yesterday:
“Just read a FB post in which an ‘educated’ urban middle-class gentleman thanked the TTP for bombing PPP rallies during the 2013 election. Says ‘TTP did us a service.’
Thousands of civilians, soldiers, cops and politicians were slaughtered by the TTP monsters between 2007 and 2017, including over 140 students of a school in Peshawar.
Such twisted middle-class nuts are at the core of the shameless apologist narrative that emboldened murderous creatures to kill at will.
This mutant should quit his cozy white-collar job and get recruited as a cook by anyone of the many TTP factions out there.
Parey likhay jahil! And we know whose vote-bank this is.”
But then I was contacted by an acquaintance who asked me not to react in this manner because my heart would melt if I read the letters written by so many ‘normal’ people to the so-called extremist militants.
He emailed me a PDF file of a book he had just compiled containing letters written by well-to-do middle-class professionals to extremist outfits.
And indeed, after reading these letters, I decided to delete my post. In fact, I actually began to sympathize with men and women like the middle-class mutant, I mean, the gentleman, whose post had angered me.
Thus, I would like to share here some of the letters from the book so you too could get a better understanding of why such folks say what they say, and how it maybe people like us who are the problem. Read on.
Letter by Mr. Nasir B Qureshi, a young, dynamic executive at a multinational corporation in Karachi:
Dear Tali Brothers,
Salam (but not Dr Abdul Salam). It is true that I am nothing like you. I work for a western multinational, listen to music, watch movies, and do not dress the way you do. But, brothers, in essence, we are quite alike. We both share the pain of how a corrupt and immoral elite has turned our beloved country into a den of corruption, exploitation and sin. This elite has kept people like you and I from influencing its political destiny.
Dear brothers, my reality as a young executive does not allow me to pick up a gun or wear a suicide vest like you guys. But let me tell you, brothers, I have no qualms about applauding many of your actions. Like when you get rid of corrupt politicians and corrupt cops. Our justice system is too slow to do this, so, in a way, you provide that justice. That’s why, brothers, I see you as being like super judges instead of terrorists.
Some people call people like me apologists. I pity them. I want to ask them, if someone is willing to give their lives to take the lives of corrupt people, why should this gallant act not be applauded?
Dear brothers, there is not much else I can do to help you in your cause. But I can thank you by offering a year’s free supply of the terrific fruit juices that the company I work for makes – apple, orange and lychee.
And the next time I travel to Europe or the US for a seminar or just for a vacation, I will get some great dark chocolate — just for you!
Till then, all the best. You know you can count on folks like me to give a noble spin to your next killing spree of corrupt elements.
Your fellow brother embedded in multinational sin for your cause,
Letter by Ms. Reshem Bano, a young, dynamic student at a private university in Lahore:
Dear Revolutionary Brotherlies,
A revolutionary sisterly salute to you all. I know not many women write to you but I am proud to be one of those who do, even though I am sure you will set fire to this letter.
Indeed, revolutionary brotherlies, that is the right thing to do. After all, what have women like me done to advance your cause. This, despite the fact that many revolutionary sisterlies too have been known to have blown up in public, sending hundreds of corrupt men, women and children to hell.
But, alas, I am not one such revolutionary sisterly. I will graduate from this elitist university, then maybe even go abroad to the US for higher studies, get a well-paying job, marry a member of the same elite that I am a part of, so on and so forth.
Yes, this is how my life will unfold. So why am I writing this letter? Fair question, revolutionary brotherlies.
I write this letter to inform you that I feel like a bird trapped inside a golden, gilded cage. But I want to be inside an iron cage, if you get my drift. A cage which some of my classmates call a kitchen. I don’t know how to cook, but I would like to learn.
You know, every time you people blow up those who I detest, I have this urge to cook some chapli kebabs for you all. It’s just an urge which I know can be very liberating for a woman like me.
But revolutionary brotherlies, do not judge this liberation to mean jeans, dance, movies and snapchat. Yes, I like all this, but I want to be liberated from it. This is what I mean by liberation. And this liberation can start by a simple act of me frying some chapli kebabs for you. Would you let me?
I have started to take cooking classless from Aunty Lulu and after I complete my MBA, I also plan to take a course in Home Economics. All this I will do to make room for myself in your kitchen, if not your heart.
I just read on the internet a news about a drone attack in Waziristan, followed by military action by the Pakistan Army. It boils my blood to read such things, especially when I am having a quiet coffee at Starbucks at the Dubai Mall. My friend said it must be the coffee, but what does she know.
She doesn’t live in Waziristan. Yes, neither do I, but at least I am willing to empathize with you. Please blow up some more people so ignorant people like my friend finally understand why you people do what you do and why I do what I do but can’t do what you do. In fact, please blow up my friend too.
So dear revolutionary brotherlies, until one day I am able to cook chapli kebabs for you all, please wish this revolutionary sisterly sister of yours good luck.
PS: Anything I can get for you from Dubai? IPhone, IPad, table lamp, washing machine? Just let me know.
Letter by Mr Kadir Shiekh, a middle-aged, dynamic retired lawyer:
Dear blessed fighters,
AOA. Even though one of your attacks killed dozens of my fellow lawyers, but I understand that they were just collateral damage of a war that just has to be fought against the crooked elite of this unfortunate country.
Your words, bombs and blasts opened the eyes of people like me who used to drink alcohol, preach democracy, quote the constitution and chase women. But one day, after I retired from work and started to spend more time surfing the net, I happen to come upon to a recording of one of your dear leaders. That is when I realized how western powers and their liberal agents in Pakistan were constantly conspiring to make everyone drink alcohol, preach democracy, quote the constitution and chase women/men and sometimes both.
I am too old to join your struggle, but I do have the power of the internet to spread the word and alert my fellow countrymen about this conspiracy. So far I have managed to get 4 followers on Twitter and make 16 friends on Facebook. I would have written a longer letter but I have to do my groceries. Oh, you know, how one has to do their own groceries, cooking and cleaning in European countries. Yes, I live in Madrid and am acitizen of Spain and so is my family.
But blessed fighters, in solidarity with your cause, and to bring change in Pakistan (from Madrid), I promise to fight the West by not going out today to do the groceries!
Stay blessed and blast away,
Rtd. Advocate Kadir
Letter by Mr Tanvir Khalid, a young, dynamic political activist:
Deer Bringers of Doom of Korrupt Peoples,
A thousand and one greetings from fellow young man and hater of school girls of sweet Swat valley. Firstly, big brothers, worry not because shortly after the Christian Julius Caesar month of May of the year 2018 AD big change coming in deer republic of Pakistan.
Korrupt leaders half of who you thankfully blow away but half of who my deer muscular leader a man of mans and darling of womans will overthrow to establish true faithful welfare democratic theocratic caliphate of Pakistan.
Deer Bringers of Doom of Korrupt Peoples But Telletubbies Of Paradise Hope, once faithful welfare theocratic caliphate comes after Christian Julius Caesar month of May as predicted by brilliant faithful TV Nostradamus Dr Shahid, caliphate will make peace with its angry brothers like you and both will rule whole of world for centuries and centuries and centuries.
But, Bringers of Doom, careful of fake liberals do spell of magic on dear military to do action on you so you do to do what you do and that is bum, bum, blast, blast till caliphate come!
Till then, prey for glory of the muscular man of mans and small muscular mice of mice like me. To caliphate and beyond. Hip hip, hurray. Hip, hip, hurray!